humordaily

You know that $600 tax rebate check that most of us got in the mail recently from Uncle Sam?  What I really wanted to do with that money was to put it towards a brand new big, flat-screen tv.  However, I am trying to re-prioritize and my one day tv fast has taught me that I can still enjoy the television, but I don’t necessarily need to invest in something that is going to encourage me to spend even MORE time in front of the tv.  So, I decided to do something I’ve been saying I should do for a while now.  I joined the gym (they have flat screen TVs there) and signed up for 5 1/2 weeks of personal training.  Now, i’m thinking, what have I done?!

Yesterday was my first session with my trainer, who we’ll call Popeye.  We spent the first portion of our session doing the preliminary fat check.  You know, where they take that archaic plastic instrument and pinch you in the arms, back and hip/tummy and measure your body fat.  That was fun times for all.  Then I weighed in.   I won’t share the details of the body fat index and scale reading, but my trainer and I agree there is room for improvemen - which is why I am there.   Next we talked about nutrition.  I’m not gonna lie, I actually laughed when he told me to give up milk and cookies for protein shakes.  Baby steps, Popeye.  I’m not looking to lose a whole lot of weight, just want to tone and firm up some parts that have gone a little soft.

Then we went upstairs where the torture began.  Seriously.  I hate working out.  Yeah, sometimes I feel good when it’s over, but mostly I’m just tired and sore and sweaty.  I don’t think about tennis as working out because I love to play tennis.  When I’m playing tennis, i’m not thinking about anything but the game.  I’m actually getting exercise but that’s just a bonus.  When i’m working out, all i’m thinking about is how much I hate working out.  I’m thinking about how my legs hurt or how tired I am or when is this gonna end.   After some squats and weights and oh my gods and jumps and ‘core’ workouts and profuse sweating, we were finally done.  I looked at Popeye and said “wow”.   He looked at me and said “so, um, you know that we spent most of our session today talking and doing paperwork.  That workout was only 20 minutes.  From now on it’s going to be an hour”.

awesome

can’t wait.

Tomorrow is session 2!!!!

The world has lost another comic genius as George Carlin passed away yesterday in Los Angeles of heart failure. Mr. Carlin was really a one of a kind talent who made people laugh and think. My brother was a HUGE Carlin fan, which is how I discoverd him at a young age.

George Carlin was the very first host of the very first episode of Saturday Night Live. Once, when I was on a stage tour with a play, I got to perform at a theater where George Carlin had once performed. His name was on the wall backstage. I felt like I had really hit the big time.

There are a lot of articles you can find that were posted over the last 24 hours that do a much better job of articulating his incredible impact on comedy and culture in this country since the 1970s, so i’ll just leave you with a few clips.

on language

on common experiences

on sports

file this under “shit happens…move on”.

this guy’s mother must be so proud he went to law school.

Last night on NBC, they showed the Best Of Mike Myers special, in order to promote the already over-promoted “The Love Guru”.  It’s highly unlikely that I will see this movie in the theaters, but seeing the show last night reminded me just how much I adored Mike Myers during his SNL days.

While I love and remember all of his recurring characters fondly, including Dieter, Wayne, Simon and of course “Coffee Talk with Linda Richman”, there were two sketches in particular that I was so happy to see again last night.  They made me laugh then, and they made me laugh again last night.

Phillip 

and of course…

Japanese Game Show! 

So I’ve been thinking lately that it might be time to join the gym and start working out again. The other day at work, I got confirmation on that.

There’s an older lady named Connie who comes into the bar every afternoon. Connie is one of my favorite patrons. She always makes good conversation and she is definitely a creature of habit. Connie comes in every afternoon, sits in the same spot and pulls out her scratch-off lottery tickets. She never has to tell me what she’s having, I already have it ready for her when I see her walk in. Miller Light, a tall glass, and a short glass of ice (she pours a bit of ice into the tall glass, and then pours some of her Miller Light. She repeats as often as necessary. She usually has 3 Miller Lights, and almost always gives me $2 to play some music for her on the jukebox. She likes it mellow. Ray Charles, Gladys Knight, Marvin Gaye, Aretha…you get the picture. The first song is always her favorite though - Macy Gray’s “I Try”. Did I mention Connie is a white lady?

Back to the point of the story. The other day I was reaching up to get a glass from the rack hanging above my head. Connie called me over and told me “If I were you, I wouldn’t raise my arms so high. Your shirt goes up and I can see your stomach hanging over your pants.”

wow.

It’s like the last time I was home and my mom told me I needed to do some “ab work”. I didn’t even realize “ab work” was part of her vocabulary.

I guess it’s time to take Raquel to the gym.

by the way…i’m 5′2″ and weigh about 110 lbs. That’s Hollywood for ya!

Listen up, I have some news for you.  I have a Fat Girl living inside of me.  In fact, we all do.  The inner fat girl phenomenon started a few years ago when the Gay White Oprah and Poodle, my two best gays, decided that they were not responsible for late night snack cravings, or the need for extra fries with their double-double animal style from In and Out.  Basically, it was discovered/decided that their inner fat girls were to blame.  Bertha and Nikki, respectively, were the ones eating that double fudge cake for desert or inhaling a row of Oreos while watching Project Runway.   Once - ok more than once - in a restaurant, Poodle has ordered something he felt maybe he didn’t need, but explained “Nikki wants it.  Nikki needs it.”.   When I came back to the table from the restroom to find half of my fries gone from my plate…I looked to Gay White Oprah who told me “Bertha ate your fries”.

My friend Lemonade (I know, my friends all have such interesting names.  You think i’m being a very clever comedy writer coming up with silly fake names to protect their privacy, but in fact, these are names I actually call them to their faces), has her own fat girl as well.  Hers  is Desiree.

I never had a name for my fat girl, because I never really felt guilt about anything I ate.  I always thought, if i’m hungry I will eat.  If I want cookies, I shall have them.   I was always in control.  Until that one day.

GWO, Poodle, Lemonade, our friend Nasti (Seriously…that’s what we call her in real life), and I were having a lovely lunch at a BBQ restaurant.   I had ordered Salmon, not because I was trying to be healthy, but because that’s what I wanted.  I also ordered a side of macaroni and cheese.  I don’t know why I just capitalized Salmon but not mac n cheese.  Anyway.  GWO had ordered some ribs and I asked him if I could have just one.  That seems reasonable, right?  SO I had the rib on a side plate.  I had taken a few bites, but wanted to save the rest for after I had finished my own food.  I wanted to savor the flavor of the rib.  Anyway, after a while and some good conversation, I was still working on my fish when the waitress came to take away some plates.  I had a mouthfull of salmon and couldn’t say anything when she grabbed the small plate with my extra rib, although I tried to motion with my hand politely that I was still working on that.  She took it anyway.  By the time she had gotten to the other side of the table, I tried to get her attention in a soft, polite manner over the din of my friends catching up.  Finally, before I knew it, something - someone had come over me and I literally shouted “I’M NOT DONE WITH THAT RIB!!!!”.   Silence.  The waitress quickly came by and gently left the plate next to me.  As she walked away, Lemonade looked at me and said “you are naming your Fat Girl right now.”  And I did.  Her name is Raquel.  We call her Raqi for short.  It’s very liberating to know you have a Fat Girl living within you that makes choices you are not bold enough to make.  Think about it.  You no longer have to feel guilty about getting the extra cheese or asking for a desert menu when nobody else at the table has ‘room’ for it.   Sometimes, it’s just not up to you.  The Fat Girl inside has needs, and those needs WILL be met.

When I think about Raqi, and what she’s like on the outside, this is pretty much what I always come back to:

these fries are sooooo good… 

Another one for the “It Could Be Worse” files.

This guy really hates his current job. Or his life. Or just the location? I’m not sure, but either way…he’s not happy. Watching this clip, however, makes me VERY happy. Enjoy.

I’ll admit it.  It’s 11:10PM and I want to turn the television on.  It’s ok.  I’m not going to, and I can live with the fact that I really want to.  I have had a very productive day, and one thing I’ve learned is that I can still get a whole lot done AND watch tv for a little bit at night (but don’t worry - not tonight!) as long I can learn to manage my time.  I have to get out of the habit of turning on my tv as soon as I get out of bed and enter my living room.

Here’s what I did today, while I was NOT watching television:

went to my landlord’s office, paid my rent.

came home, checked some email, responded to a few.

made a sandwich and ate lunch while reading a magazine (it was nice to eat at the table and not at the coffee table in front of the tv, even though my instinct was to plop down on the couch, sandwich and remote in hand).

went to Target.  Love Target.  Got Father’s Day cards and gifts for my Dad and Brother.

Went to post office.  Sent previously mentioned cards and gifts.

Went to 2 separate grocery stores - Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s to find all of the organic goodness I would need to make the Skinny Bitch chocolate chip cookies.

Came home, put groceries away, changed clothes.

Met a new friend for poolside drinks and noshes.

Came home, visited the boys downstairs.

Got in my kitchen and made organic, vegan chocolate chip cookies.  It was time to try something new.  I am not a vegan.  I am a shameless carnivore.   I just thought it would be something healthy to try.  The cookies, that is…not, you know…becoming a vegan.  Sorry if i’m offending any vegans.  I’m going to eat the cookies with a tall glass of cold cow’s milk.  No, it doesn’t defeat the purpose.  At least, not to me.

Cleaned up the kitchen.

And now here I am.  Not at all tired or ready for bed, but unable to watch tv to unwind.  I think i’ll dust off and crack open one of them books I’ve been neglecting.

I know I needed this drastic measure to help me be productive and manage my time.  I will be better about being more selective in what I watch and tuning in with moderation.  Tonight’s gonna be tough, though.  I can’t lie about that.

It’s a problem.

I have an addiction. To television. It’s actually a problem sometimes. While most people watch tv in moderation, I watch it like it’s my job. Pretty much, if i’m home, my tv is on. That may be a slight exaggeration, but not by much. Lately, I’ve really discovered that i’m being much less productive and much less creative because of it. Yes, we all have shows that we love. Shows that can even stimulate our minds or create conversation or debate amongst friends. My problem is that I will watch almost anything. Especially if there’s a marathon of something on tv. Give me 5 solid hours of a reality show that I have seen a commercial for and rolled my eyes, and I’ll probably get sucked in. I need to change this behavior, to modify the amount of time I spend sittin’ on the couch instead of reading, exercising, running errands, taking all those lessons i’ve been talking about, writing, actively pursuing my career - in general, just living the life I should be living every day, not just on a really nice day when I’m super-motivated. Sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures. A good friend gave me a challenge that may seem small to you, but I can honestly say it will not be easy for me. It’s time for a TV fast. That’s right. From the time I wake up tomorrow until the time I shut my eyes, I am not allowed to turn on the tv. Not for any reason. I know, one day seems like nothing for the average tv viewer. My friend purposely chose tomorrow, because it’s a weekday, meaning more shows I watch regularly will be airing. It’s also my day off. A day off, especially one before a 10 hour shift, is an easy excuse to ‘veg out’ all day. Tomorrow will most likely prove to be much more productive. In addition, for the rest of the week, I am limited to 2 hours per day of tv. I’m also trying to cut down my hours on the internet. Originally, the idea was to do a complete media fast (of course excluding print media - books, magazines, newspapers), but when you write a daily (well, I know I may miss a day here or there) post on the internet, a complete fast is not an option. I will try to limit my random surfing to just posting, checking email and if necessary, driving directions. Tomorrow’s day of rest from the boob tube is an exercise, an experiment. It might possibly lead to a project that involves a much longer time without tv exposure. I’ll keep you posted on that as it may or may not develop. That’s it for now. I am off to make a TO DO list for tomorrow!!! Maybe before I go to sleep tonight I should hide my tivo remote. I don’t know if I can be trusted…

So there’s a grocery store near my apartment that used to be called Pavilions. About a year ago, I decided to officially rename it Passions Pavilions. Within a very short period of time, I had encountered two actors from Passions, one of my favorite shows. There are so many reasons I love Passions, but mainly because, in general, Passions doesn’t give a shit. I mean it. The show doesn’t take itself seriously, and after all these years, I still question whether it’s the most brilliant satire of the soap opera/tele-novela genre, or just a bunch of lunatics who sit a around a table and say “do you think we could get away with THIS?” “what the hell, let’s find out!”. Either way, it has brought countless hours of joy (and sometimes pure frustration) into my life. Ok, back to story. The first sighting was actor John Reilly, who played (and still does? the character may be dead) the evil, scheming Allistair Crane. I was happily strolling through the deli/bakery section when I heard that voice. The voice that had threatened, manipulated and even ordered the deaths of so many innocent people - including his own DAUGHTER! Eek!. I think what freaked me out the most was that he was wearing jeans. Since that day, I’ve actually seen him several times at the grocery store. The last time he was buying toilet paper. Oh, he also played Bill Taylor, Kelly Taylor’s absent father on 90210. Another time, My friend Nick (another Passions devotee) and I were there and we saw Adrian Bellani, who played Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald #2, after Jesse Metcalf left the show and found fame on Wisteria Lane. Since then, I have seen other recognizable faces, with no connection to Passions, but still the name of this store will always be Passions Pavilions. Other people I’ve seen include Justin Guarini, Michael Rapapport, Bob Odenkirk, and the lady who played the mother of Peter and Nathan Petrelli on Heroes. She also played Ted’s mother on How I Met Your Mother. Yes, I know I watch a lot of tv.

This evening, I went to the store to get a few things. I was pretty tired after an 8 hour bartending shift. In the aisle for water and juices, I noticed that the big Smart Water bottles were on sale for $1. Score. They were on the top shelf, pushed back from the edge. I’m 5′2″. I reached up and was able to snag one, but the rest were beyond my reach. Then, a handsome stranger came to my rescue. Then I had one of those moments one has when seeing a familiar face in LA. Do I know this person in real life or from the tv? I realized right away that I knew him from TV, but was too tired to figure out exactly where. He was cute. He smiled and said “how many do you need?”. “Three”, I said, looking thankful. “Of course they had to put them on the top shelf”, I said to which he responded “hey - you know what you like!”. Then he looked at the shelves behind us and looked at me and said “they used to keep the Snapple here!”. I told him “i know, they’ve changed everything around here”. Then I went on to the cereal isle on my quest for Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I grabbed the only box of the sugary delicious cereal (seriously, I guess everyone had the same idea), and noticed a shelf full of Snapple behind me. Deciding to return the favor, I stuck my head out into the main thruway of the store and caught his eye. “Snapple!” I pointed. He smiled and directed his cart over. His cart was full. He said “all I have is liquids and dog food”. My response? “Hey! you know what you like!”. We both laughed. Seriously, his name was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t find it or figure out what show he was from.

Of course, 10 minutes later I found myself in line right behind him. We made small talk about cereal and his paper route as a boy and the fact that we’re both New Yorkers. He’s from the Bronx. FINALLY, the cashier, in true Passions Pavilions protocol grabbed his receipt and said “you saved so and so dollars today, Mr. Palladino”. Thank you!!!! It was Erik Palladino from ER. He played hot Dr. Dave.

Before you get too jealous of my exciting life here in LA LA LAnd, let me just remind you that it’s Friday night and i’m home alone eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watching So You Think You Can Dance and DVDs of Buffy The Vampire Slayer season 5. I know. Now you’re even MORE jealous. I’m only sad that Passions doesn’t air on Fridays…