humordaily

So tonight, while I was standing outside at a portable cart in 57 degree weather, pouring $12 beers to people who paid $100 for concert tickets but couldn’t be bothered to tip me, I reminded myself of my new work philosophy, it could be worse. Remember that receptionist job in Central Florida? That crazy engineer was not the only ‘personality’ to walk into my lobby. He was probably the most harmless.

There must be something in the water in crazy-ass Florida that makes middle-aged and older men think that they can say just about ANYTHING to a young woman in her workplace.

Here’s one shining example:

Creepy guy #1 - we’ll call him “The Leaner” because of his first, and most consistent offense. Invasion of personal space. Seriously, dude…why do you have to get so close?…I can see and hear you fine from 3 feet away. Ok, let me paint you the picture. TL is a large man with skin that seems to be the color of a neon sign flashing “live girls XXX”. He constantly has that look of being flushed, hot pink…it’s weird. He’s got that Brillo pad, strawberry blond hair and he always has his shirt unbuttoned just enough to display one chest hair and a gold cross on a gold chain. It’s ok, take a minute ladies to comprehend that fantasies do come true. I’ll let TL speak for himself…some highlights from memorable conversations:

TL: So how was your birthday trip to NY? How old did you turn?
ME: Guess
TL: (to himself)well, you went to NYC by yourself, probably drank it up.. (to me) 22
ME: plus 5
TL: NO SHIT
ME: yup
TL: you married?
ME: nope
TL: well, when are you gonna do that? you gonna have babies or what???
ME: (speechless)
TL: what are you waiting for - Mr. Right?
ME: something like that
TL: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

exit TL

Once, TL called me up to say that he was having a package delivered to the front desk in my name, and he would be by to pick it up later. I said that was fine. Later came and he showed up, but there was no package. He was upset. He called around. TL discovered the package had been delivered to the wrong department and someone else signed for it. He was not happy. He couldn’t believe that someone else signed for something that specifically had MY name on it. He said to me “what if we were having an affair and I was sending you jewelry…you would’ve never gotten that diamond”. Seriously, that’s what he said. I said nothing but gave him a super creeped out look. The kind of look the caregiver of a small child might give you if you walked up to that child in the playground and said “i am a puppy. pet me”. Later on, TL came back out to my desk. Then, in an almost childlike tone said to me “look what I got”, while pointing to his watch. The same watch he was wearing all day and probably the last time I saw him as well. Perplexed, I said something along the lines of “it’s a nice watch”. Then in an almost accusatory or defensive preemptive strike of sorts he said “wedding anniversary gift. from my WIFE”. I was stunned. how could he dangle the man-candy in front of me like that then cast me off for the love of his wife? I need a shower even thinking about that moment. Maybe he was afraid i’d fall for his Joey Buttafuoco-esqe charms and pull an Amy Fisher on his ass. I think it’s safe to say his wife won’t be appearing on Oprah anytime soon.

And The Leaner came back for more. Once, near the holidays, he was all “what’s Santa bringing you?” I said, who knows? and he was like “you have no idea? is it a new car? a diamond ring?” ugh. we’ve been through this. and you’re (inexplicably) married. And hot pink. stop fishing.

So there. I smell like beer and my toes and fingers are still defrosting. But…it could be worse.

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