humordaily

Listen up, I have some news for you.  I have a Fat Girl living inside of me.  In fact, we all do.  The inner fat girl phenomenon started a few years ago when the Gay White Oprah and Poodle, my two best gays, decided that they were not responsible for late night snack cravings, or the need for extra fries with their double-double animal style from In and Out.  Basically, it was discovered/decided that their inner fat girls were to blame.  Bertha and Nikki, respectively, were the ones eating that double fudge cake for desert or inhaling a row of Oreos while watching Project Runway.   Once - ok more than once - in a restaurant, Poodle has ordered something he felt maybe he didn’t need, but explained “Nikki wants it.  Nikki needs it.”.   When I came back to the table from the restroom to find half of my fries gone from my plate…I looked to Gay White Oprah who told me “Bertha ate your fries”.

My friend Lemonade (I know, my friends all have such interesting names.  You think i’m being a very clever comedy writer coming up with silly fake names to protect their privacy, but in fact, these are names I actually call them to their faces), has her own fat girl as well.  Hers  is Desiree.

I never had a name for my fat girl, because I never really felt guilt about anything I ate.  I always thought, if i’m hungry I will eat.  If I want cookies, I shall have them.   I was always in control.  Until that one day.

GWO, Poodle, Lemonade, our friend Nasti (Seriously…that’s what we call her in real life), and I were having a lovely lunch at a BBQ restaurant.   I had ordered Salmon, not because I was trying to be healthy, but because that’s what I wanted.  I also ordered a side of macaroni and cheese.  I don’t know why I just capitalized Salmon but not mac n cheese.  Anyway.  GWO had ordered some ribs and I asked him if I could have just one.  That seems reasonable, right?  SO I had the rib on a side plate.  I had taken a few bites, but wanted to save the rest for after I had finished my own food.  I wanted to savor the flavor of the rib.  Anyway, after a while and some good conversation, I was still working on my fish when the waitress came to take away some plates.  I had a mouthfull of salmon and couldn’t say anything when she grabbed the small plate with my extra rib, although I tried to motion with my hand politely that I was still working on that.  She took it anyway.  By the time she had gotten to the other side of the table, I tried to get her attention in a soft, polite manner over the din of my friends catching up.  Finally, before I knew it, something - someone had come over me and I literally shouted “I’M NOT DONE WITH THAT RIB!!!!”.   Silence.  The waitress quickly came by and gently left the plate next to me.  As she walked away, Lemonade looked at me and said “you are naming your Fat Girl right now.”  And I did.  Her name is Raquel.  We call her Raqi for short.  It’s very liberating to know you have a Fat Girl living within you that makes choices you are not bold enough to make.  Think about it.  You no longer have to feel guilty about getting the extra cheese or asking for a desert menu when nobody else at the table has ‘room’ for it.   Sometimes, it’s just not up to you.  The Fat Girl inside has needs, and those needs WILL be met.

When I think about Raqi, and what she’s like on the outside, this is pretty much what I always come back to:

these fries are sooooo good… 

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